How To Torture Kingdom Hearts Characters
by Draconius du Vryle
Summary: This story is inspired by kingdomkey0703's 'Sora Rampage' as well as two of my favortie Looney Tunes episodes. Exactly how does one torture one of the Kingdom Heart's boys? Someone figured it out and hilarity ensues. Please R&R!


A/N: I OWN NOTHING! Not Kingdom Hearts, not the Looney Tunes, nor any of the other brilliant ideas that came along before I knew of them. The only thing I own is the twistedness of my imagination and how much I like to see Riku get tortured cause I'm a Sora lover and a strong supporter of SoraxKairi. Nothing more; on with the show!

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><p>Our artist comes across local keyblade wielder, Riku, taking a break. We find him in the middle of the Deep Jungle inside a tent flipping through some snapshots.<p>

**Riku**: (Doesn't see Artist) Doo-de-doo-de-doo, hmm. That's interesting.

**Artist**: (Comes behind Riku and erases the screen)

**Riku**: "Hey! What the….oh no, it's YOU again!" (Whips out Keyblade)

**Artist**: (Erases the keyblade and draws a guitar)

**Riku:** "Hey! What did you do with my keyblade? Draw it back RIGHT NOW!"

**Artist**: (Erases guitar and draws a fluffy pink bunny)

**Riku**: "Not a bunny you dolt! My KEYBLADE!" (Drops bunny and it scampers off)

**Artist**: (Erases jungle scenery and draws a desert scene)

**Riku**: (Looks at new surroundings) Oh, very funny, ha ha ha. What about my keyblade?"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku's head and replaces it with a keyblade)

**Riku**: (Crosses arms and starts tapping his foot. He gestures to his head)

**Artist**: (Erases keyblade head and repaints Riku's head, but with long bunny ears)

**Riku**: (Doesn't notice ears)"Well, thanks for that, but what about my keyblade? And can we please put the scenery back to the way it was? Wait a moment…something doesn't feel…..(feels bunny ears)"Alright, wise guy, this had gone far enough. Put my ears back, and for crying out loud, GIVE ME MY KEYBLADE!"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku and the desert scenery and draws an underwater scene and Riku the normal way)

**Riku**: "Blllglurbll!

**Artist**: (Erases Riku's torso and legs and draws a more womanly figure and a familiar green tail and a purple clamshell bra)

**Riku**: (Doesn't notice new body) "Gyah! You almost killed me, you slop artist! Where am I now and where's my keyblade?"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku's silver hair and replaces it with flowing red hair)

**Riku**: (Feels hair and looks down at body) "AHHHHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME YOU JERK! I AM A BOY! A TEENAGE BOY, NOT A MERMAID! DRAW ME BACK THE WAY I WAS!"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku and underwater scene and paints a garden scene with a bench under some cherry blossoms)

**Riku's Voice**: "Well….What about me?"

**Artist**: (Draws Riku as his normal self lounging on the bench)

**Riku**: "Well, that's better. Now then….my keyblade, please? (Riku holds out hand)"

**Artist**: (Draws a car key in Riku's hand)

**Riku**: (Throws down car key) Not that kind of key, Rembrandt! A Key-**blade**! You know that thing that I worked really hard to get and gave myself over to the darkness for? That thing!"

**Artist**: (Erases cherry trees and draws trees that drop billions of keys)

**Riku**: "Ow! Ow! Ow!" (Runs for shelter)"Okay, listen bub, let's talk. You have something I want and I don't appreciate you taking it from me. Now then, give me my **KEY-BLADE, **or I might have to do something drastic!"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku and garden scenery and draws Riku in pilot's clothes with nothing around him.)

**Riku**: "Can we apply some scenery here?"

**Artist**: (Draws a plane and a wild-blue-yonder sky)

**Riku**: "The plane is nice, but what about my keyblade?"

**Artist**: (Paints the word 'Keyblade' on the side of the plane)

**Riku**: (Turns around red in the face) "All right, listen up! If you don't give me my keyblade back right now I'm gonna…"

**Artist**: (Cuts Riku off in midsentence by erasing his mouth and replacing it with a zipper)

**Riku**: (Unzips zipper and tries to yell, but only the sound of a braying donkey comes out. He hurriedly covers his mouth shocked at what just happened. When he opens his mouth again, the sound of a chimpanzee screeching is the only thing that he hears. He waves his arms around angrily, and assorted sounds of gunshots, horses neighing, and elephant's trumpets are heard)

**Artist**: (Erases Riku and the scenery and draws a museum background. Draws Riku as a Greek statue holding a keyblade)

**Riku**: (strained) "Thanks for the keyblade, but I can't move."

**Artist**: (Erases pedestal Riku is standing on and Riku falls over)

**Riku**: (Strained) "That's not what I mean. Falling over is not moving. I need to move around."

**Artist**: (Draws some roller skates on Riku's feet)

**Riku**: "Not funny. I'm still on the floor! How can I move if I'm still on the floor?"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku and redraws him standing on his head with no keyblade in his hand)

**Riku**: (falls over, gets up, and puts his hands on his hips with an angry look on his face) "I am not amused, now for the last time….GIVE ME BACK MY KEYBLADE!"

**Artist**: (Draws a ridiculously large keyblade that's impossible to pick up)

**Riku**: (calmly) "That is not my keyblade. That thing is too big for me to even get my hand around the hilt. Can I please have MY keyblade?"

**Artist**: (draws normal keyblade)

**Riku**: "Well, I'm glad that we finally have an understanding. Was that so hard? Now then, I'll be on my…." (goes to pick up keyblade and the artist erases it before he can pick it up)

**Riku**: (whips around turning a bright shade of crimson and has his fists balled up)" All right, that's it! You've pushed my last button! I'm gonna turn you into a heartless, give you back you're heart, then turn you into a heartless again, and I'm gonna keep doing it until you give me back my keyblade!"

**Artist**: (While Riku is ranting, draws plumes of steam coming out of his ears)

**Riku**: (feels his ears get hot) "YEOW! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!" (pats ears to cool them off, and then turns to artist) "I…AM….GOING….TO…..KILL…..YOU! Who are you? Where are you? Where's my keyblade?"

**Artist**: (draws keyblade)

**Riku**: (picks it up) "I'm outta here before you do something else!"

**Artist**: (Erases Riku's clothes and leaves him in his underwear)

**Riku**: "Eep! You perv; where are my clothes? Next thing you know you're gonna erase my underwear!"

**Artist**: (Holds up eraser threateningly)

**Riku**: "IT WAS A JOKE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" (runs away with keyblade)

**Artist**: (flips pages so Riku can't go anywhere)

**Riku**: (stops because he's exhausted) Listen, Picasso, if you're gonna chase me, can I at least have my clothes back?"

**Artist**: (draws Riku's clothes back on him, but erases his silver hair leaving him bald)

**Riku**: (covers head) "My hair! Where's my hair? Give it back!"

**Artist**: (draws Axel's spiky red hair on his head)

**Riku**: "How do I look?"

**Artist**: (draws mirror)

**Riku**: (looks at himself in the mirror and turns white) "This is not my hair; this is Axel's hair! MY hair is silver!"

**Artist**: (erases Axel's hair and draws Sephiroth's hair)

**Riku**: "This is Sephiroth's hair, paint-for-brains, not my hair. My hair is spikier."

**Artist:** (erases Sephiroth's hair and draws Sora's hair)

**Riku**: "NO, NO, NO! For cryin' out loud; can't you just draw me back to the way I was before?"

**Artist**: (Draw's Riku's hair normal)

**Riku**: "There's only one way I can get out of this, and I'm using it; my last ace-in-the-hole." (pulls down a black screen with the words "THE END")

We look up from the clipboard and we see Namine' at the artist's table. She looks over at the audience, smiles sweetly and says,

"I just love messing with that guy."


End file.
